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I swear I don’t intend to only write when I’m frustrated and/or bummed. I usually want to be witty and charming and entertain the masses… (all none of them) … but when I need to vent, like really vent, I need an unbiased, non-defensive, clear pallet to paint my picture of insanity. And so it begins...

I am a fraud. I am faking a relationship. Or at least I think I am. Powers and I are still dating; smoothly for the most part. I just got back from Phoenix where I met his family (all of them… parents, grandparents, sibling, dog, aunts/uncles) and I don’t know why I did it. I’ve been eager for him to ask me to be his girlfriend… and yet I’m not sure I want to be. I’m putting in this serious effort to seem like I’m in love, but I’m definitely not.
He called me his girlfriend when he introduced me to his g-dad. I didn’t flinch one bit. On Friday after meeting all of his high school friends, I asked him if he would be my boyfriend. I don’t know why I did it. It was the perfect moment, and he wasn’t asking… so I did it. His response, “of course… although sometimes I don’t think you really like me.”
Apparently I’m a bad fraud.

The next night we went to a wedding… and he kissed one of our good girlfriends… on the mouth. Am I wrong in thinking that this is not ok? Or am I just trying to find an excuse to get overly angry with him?

OR… (and this is a new thought) … do I actually kind of like him? What if I do want to date him, but I’m scared to admit it. What if I’m being standoffish just because I am waiting for him to do something like this and hurt me? What if I’ve allowed myself to become so calloused that I can’t even let someone love me?
What if it is me?

I have this daunting feeling that I’m faking everything. I go to work, and just do the minimum (bad idea for an engineer in this economy.) I go out, but I don’t socialize. I love my new house, but I don’t take good enough care of it. I am half-assing everything, and I don’t know if it’s because I truly don’t care… or if it’s because it’s a bad fit for me.

This is the season where Powers is out of town a lot. I’m considering actively trying to date other people in the meantime. But there’s a catch … since all of my close girlfriends moved, all of my current DC buddies know Powers, and adore him. If I try to date/flirt with any of them (or in front of them) it will get back to Powers. I will lose friends.

I can’t even answer the simplest questions: Do I like Powers? If I can’t answer that… why am I putting myself thru so much anguish over him.

Clearly I need a hobby; something that will get me away from him. But all of this fake-life is exhausting, and it’s hard to find the motivation to get involved in something new.

It doesn’t help that my brother is about to ask his gf to marry him. This means, all of my siblings will be in wedlock, while I am eons way from a proposal. It makes me consider marriage more seriously in my life, and why would I date someone who I am fairly confident will never be my husband.

Should I wait for the perfect man to come along, OR should I just date in the meantime? Is it awful of me to date someone with a large, concrete, fort-knox sized wall guarding my heart? Can I fake a relationship well enough to make Powers happy, and will I be able to break his/our heart if I can’t commit?

Why do I analyze so much with someone who is supposed to be the one who “loved me more” (reference the SATC episode when Carrie’s friend advises her, “it’s always better to marry a man who loves you more than you love him.”) Since when did I take this Carrie Bradshaw approach of making an entire blog all questions? (I feel like I should be writing this in a wife beater, whilst smoking a cigarette out my NYC apt)

god... it's a monday.